Conflicting Priorities? Avoiding the Trap of Either/Or Thinking
There seems to be an innate conflict for many people around the idea of managing multiple priorities. We all have so many 'shoulds' in our life, that is, things on our 'to do' list, along with the feeling that there will never be the time or resources to do them. The first thing to consider when faced with this situation is to pinpoint the source of the conflict: is it a simple tradeoff between time and resources? Or is it perhaps a conflict between what you may want and what your family or friends think is important? Alternatively, are you in conflict with your own desires, like a person who wants to be financially stable but also wants to invest in a risky venture, or someone who wants to travel around the world but really loves being a homebody?
Often it is the very way that we describe what is competing for our time and attention that causes it to seem like a conflict. We often go right to the either/or stance that assumes that priorities are mutually exclusive, as in, "I either work hard and support my family but don't ever see them, or I work less and spend more time with them but don't support them properly." We tend to forget that we can make several things work, and instead we start to believe that we must make one clear choice over another option.
As a student of theatrical improvisation and the owner of a company in the early 90s called Corporate Vitality, I taught people the concept of 'Yes, And' which suggests that we embrace what 'is' at the moment and also build upon it. The 'yes' does not mean agreement, it means acceptance. The idea behind 'yes' is that we are focused on the moment, we suspend judgment, we are encouraging of ourselves and of others, and we are open to new perspectives and ideas. The 'and' is about using what is and adding to it, building off of it, seeing variations and alternatives, knowing that there are a lot of potential ways to making things work.
It is with this 'Yes, And' approach that I ask my clients to look at their situations and see how they can make those things that are important to them happen, in a way that at first glance may not be evident. It is essentially a way of brainstorming. Most of us know the rules about not censoring ourselves while brainstorming, yet at times we may not think to sit down and write out all our ideas, from the practical to what may seem outrageous. The strength behind 'Yes, And' brainstorming is that you may find a kernel of an idea, or you may put two or more ideas together, and that by surfacing ideas with an 'anything goes' attitude, you open up many more pathways to get to what you want.
So instead of getting stuck in limited, either/or thinking, try asking yourself this question instead: "How can I focus on what has meaning for me and make my life work, rather than seeing things I want as being in conflict?"
I think of a client story that illustrates this point quite well. My client was a single mom with a two year-old child. She was burned out with her current job, and she kept thinking that she had to either quit her job and go back to school, or stay in her current job and be unhappy. She thought that working and going to school would take away too much time from her son. This client therefore felt that doing something about her job situation and spending time with her son were conflicting priorities. She had become fairly stuck in this mindset.
We did a 'Yes And' oriented brainstorm and came up with an impressively large list of ideas, including the following: leaving her job and not worrying about income; renting her house and moving in with her sister to go back to school; finding a husband to support her; getting a school loan; selling her house and living on the money; taking one class at a time and negotiating some time off of work for a half a day per week; winning the lottery; telecommuting part of the time; getting a mentor to help her find projects that more closely matched her interests; restructuring her job to lessen the percentage of time with clients; and finding ways to learn new skills on the job without going back to school.
Once the ideas were out on the table, we looked at each of them to see what matched her intentions and goals, and would give her maximum satisfaction at work along with the most time with her son. She decided to find a mentor, start projects to learn new skills, and negotiate a half-day per week off from work. I'm happy to report that this client is much happier at her job and sees going to school as an option down the road.
Barbara Sher's book Wishcraft includes an entire section on brainstorming. It provides a process for how to take all of your ideas, even the outrageous ones, and use them. She advises that you not cross anything off your list, and probe into each idea to find the useful elements, think through ways to get around the impractical elements, and/or look for further ideas suggested by the initial idea.
There are certainly times when we do need to make a clear choice, such as deciding whether to take a promotion involving traveling which may mean less time for family. However, my point is that all too often, we choose to accept our either/or thinking without challenging it by trying to open up the options through creative brainstorming and open thinking. We often listen to our self-limiting thoughts. We limit ourselves to what may be practical, rather than what might be possible. We therefore do not explore all of the options or choices available to us.
Recently I read an article in the February 2004 Harvard Business Review entitled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson. This article helped to shift my perspective on conflicting priorities. Nash and Stevenson discuss their research on enduring success, which highlights that life is more fulfilling when a person has goals in four defined areas: happiness, legacy, achievement and significance. In each area there are goals and activities pertaining to the individual, their family, their work, and their community. The idea is that rather than being single-minded about any one area of life, people tend to experience greater success if they learn to sort out multiple desires and “recognize the importance of setting their own standards for 'enough' and not falling prey to the lure of the infinite 'more'.”
In the research, people who were successful seemed to understand that there were limitations to what they could do and “went after victories in all four categories without losing touch with their values and special talents. They seemed to understand intuitively the paradox we uncovered at the heart of enduring success: to get more wins on the various important measures that make up your notion of the good life, success has to rest on a paradigm of limitation in any one activity for the sake of the whole."This got me thinking. Perhaps if we are able to balance the activities that we find important—rather than feeling forced into choices, or feeling that we need to do everything to perfection, or pushing ourselves to do 'more than'—we may not be in conflict at all. In fact, what my client did was just that: she decided to find avenues at her current work, and work less not more, in order to have time with her son. She learned that she could be with her child, and have an exciting job, and find time for herself—a definite example of 'Yes, And' thinking. This takes practice and really aligning who you are with what you do, and also knowing when enough is enough.
So how to deal with conflicting priorities? Here's the bottom line: when you find yourself thinking "it is either this or that," or "I can’t do this unless X happens," it may be time to open up the possibilities. Reframe your desires so that you engage in activities in those areas of your life that have meaning, without sacrificing one area over another.
Tips
Resources
Wishcraft : How to Get What You Really Want, by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb. Ballantine Books; 2nd edition, 2003
A Whack on the Side of the Head: How You Can Be More Creative, by Roger von Oech. Warner
Business Books, revised 1998.
Just Enough: Tools for Creating Success in Your Work and Life. John Wiley and Sons, 2004
The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. Harvard BusinessSchool Press, 2000
COPYRIGHT AND PUBLISHER INFORMATION
© Carole Rehbock. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher.
Often it is the very way that we describe what is competing for our time and attention that causes it to seem like a conflict. We often go right to the either/or stance that assumes that priorities are mutually exclusive, as in, "I either work hard and support my family but don't ever see them, or I work less and spend more time with them but don't support them properly." We tend to forget that we can make several things work, and instead we start to believe that we must make one clear choice over another option.
As a student of theatrical improvisation and the owner of a company in the early 90s called Corporate Vitality, I taught people the concept of 'Yes, And' which suggests that we embrace what 'is' at the moment and also build upon it. The 'yes' does not mean agreement, it means acceptance. The idea behind 'yes' is that we are focused on the moment, we suspend judgment, we are encouraging of ourselves and of others, and we are open to new perspectives and ideas. The 'and' is about using what is and adding to it, building off of it, seeing variations and alternatives, knowing that there are a lot of potential ways to making things work.
It is with this 'Yes, And' approach that I ask my clients to look at their situations and see how they can make those things that are important to them happen, in a way that at first glance may not be evident. It is essentially a way of brainstorming. Most of us know the rules about not censoring ourselves while brainstorming, yet at times we may not think to sit down and write out all our ideas, from the practical to what may seem outrageous. The strength behind 'Yes, And' brainstorming is that you may find a kernel of an idea, or you may put two or more ideas together, and that by surfacing ideas with an 'anything goes' attitude, you open up many more pathways to get to what you want.
So instead of getting stuck in limited, either/or thinking, try asking yourself this question instead: "How can I focus on what has meaning for me and make my life work, rather than seeing things I want as being in conflict?"
I think of a client story that illustrates this point quite well. My client was a single mom with a two year-old child. She was burned out with her current job, and she kept thinking that she had to either quit her job and go back to school, or stay in her current job and be unhappy. She thought that working and going to school would take away too much time from her son. This client therefore felt that doing something about her job situation and spending time with her son were conflicting priorities. She had become fairly stuck in this mindset.
We did a 'Yes And' oriented brainstorm and came up with an impressively large list of ideas, including the following: leaving her job and not worrying about income; renting her house and moving in with her sister to go back to school; finding a husband to support her; getting a school loan; selling her house and living on the money; taking one class at a time and negotiating some time off of work for a half a day per week; winning the lottery; telecommuting part of the time; getting a mentor to help her find projects that more closely matched her interests; restructuring her job to lessen the percentage of time with clients; and finding ways to learn new skills on the job without going back to school.
Once the ideas were out on the table, we looked at each of them to see what matched her intentions and goals, and would give her maximum satisfaction at work along with the most time with her son. She decided to find a mentor, start projects to learn new skills, and negotiate a half-day per week off from work. I'm happy to report that this client is much happier at her job and sees going to school as an option down the road.
Barbara Sher's book Wishcraft includes an entire section on brainstorming. It provides a process for how to take all of your ideas, even the outrageous ones, and use them. She advises that you not cross anything off your list, and probe into each idea to find the useful elements, think through ways to get around the impractical elements, and/or look for further ideas suggested by the initial idea.
There are certainly times when we do need to make a clear choice, such as deciding whether to take a promotion involving traveling which may mean less time for family. However, my point is that all too often, we choose to accept our either/or thinking without challenging it by trying to open up the options through creative brainstorming and open thinking. We often listen to our self-limiting thoughts. We limit ourselves to what may be practical, rather than what might be possible. We therefore do not explore all of the options or choices available to us.
Recently I read an article in the February 2004 Harvard Business Review entitled Success That Lasts by Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson. This article helped to shift my perspective on conflicting priorities. Nash and Stevenson discuss their research on enduring success, which highlights that life is more fulfilling when a person has goals in four defined areas: happiness, legacy, achievement and significance. In each area there are goals and activities pertaining to the individual, their family, their work, and their community. The idea is that rather than being single-minded about any one area of life, people tend to experience greater success if they learn to sort out multiple desires and “recognize the importance of setting their own standards for 'enough' and not falling prey to the lure of the infinite 'more'.”
In the research, people who were successful seemed to understand that there were limitations to what they could do and “went after victories in all four categories without losing touch with their values and special talents. They seemed to understand intuitively the paradox we uncovered at the heart of enduring success: to get more wins on the various important measures that make up your notion of the good life, success has to rest on a paradigm of limitation in any one activity for the sake of the whole."This got me thinking. Perhaps if we are able to balance the activities that we find important—rather than feeling forced into choices, or feeling that we need to do everything to perfection, or pushing ourselves to do 'more than'—we may not be in conflict at all. In fact, what my client did was just that: she decided to find avenues at her current work, and work less not more, in order to have time with her son. She learned that she could be with her child, and have an exciting job, and find time for herself—a definite example of 'Yes, And' thinking. This takes practice and really aligning who you are with what you do, and also knowing when enough is enough.
So how to deal with conflicting priorities? Here's the bottom line: when you find yourself thinking "it is either this or that," or "I can’t do this unless X happens," it may be time to open up the possibilities. Reframe your desires so that you engage in activities in those areas of your life that have meaning, without sacrificing one area over another.
Tips
- Identify those things vying for your time, money and attention, and determine if they are important to you.
- Try to eliminate, delegate or get support to manage the 'shoulds' and tasks of daily living.
- Identify the key priorities in your life, and review whether you're going for perfection in all of them. Know when what you've accomplished is 'good enough.'
- When you feel that your priorities are in conflict, allow time for exploration. Consider it as a 'project' for which you want to set aside some specific time.
- For many the conflict is balancing family and work. Think about calling a 'family meeting' to engage in some 'Yes, And' thinking.
- When you're feeling stuck in your thinking, invite some friends over for a brainstorming session. You can even take turns brainstorming for each other.
- Find activities or people that spark your creativity to 'get out of the box' in your thinking.
Resources
Wishcraft : How to Get What You Really Want, by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb. Ballantine Books; 2nd edition, 2003
A Whack on the Side of the Head: How You Can Be More Creative, by Roger von Oech. Warner
Business Books, revised 1998.
Just Enough: Tools for Creating Success in Your Work and Life. John Wiley and Sons, 2004
The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. Harvard BusinessSchool Press, 2000
COPYRIGHT AND PUBLISHER INFORMATION
© Carole Rehbock. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher.
