Being Clear About What You Want and What You Mean
Many of us know when we are feeling satisfied or dissatisfied, we can describe things emotionally as good or bad, or right or wrong. What we have a more difficult time doing is really being specific about what that means, for example: "I'm feeling good because someone I admire gave me a compliment, and knowing I contribute is a value I have"; or, "I am feeling bad because I did not get some recognition I wanted, and I value achievement." I am not suggesting we need to dissect every word or feeling. However, if we are not clear about words, and what they mean, it may be more difficult for us to align who we are with what we do.
Many of my clients say they would be more aligned if they had balance in their life, or had more support. However, what I see is that for each person, the words 'balance' and 'support' can mean something entirely different. I like to ask my clients what it would look like if they were in balance, or if they had support, how exactly it would manifest. Let's take a look at balance, and support, and see how people may define the same words differently.
Balance
I worked recently with two clients who both said they wanted balance. One wanted more time to exercise and to be with her family. Her solution was to get up at 5:30 a.m. three times a week, so that she could exercise near her work. This enabled her to miss the traffic on her commute and to still be at work on time. She also decided that Sundays would be reserved for spending time with her partner. For me, doing anything at 5:30 a.m. would eliminate any idea of balance—but her definition worked just fine for her.
The other client described balance as leaving work by 6:00 p.m. at least 3 days a week, and being able to go to a movie with a friend once a week. Again, perhaps not everyone's idea of balance, yet in both of these cases the definitions worked.
Balance can be defined in different time increments ranging from yearly, to weekly, to daily or even hourly. Some of my clients want to work very hard for several months at a time, and then they want to take off a few months. For them, it is harder to balance their time of work and play in shorter increments, as they are either 'on' or 'off'. Other clients have a definition of balance that means in a given week they want to have time for family, work, friends, recreation, fitness, community and self. Balance can also be defined on a daily basis, meaning that within a day a person has time to do what they want to do in different areas of their life, perhaps without feeling that they are rushing from one thing to another.
Sometimes, balance is defined as simply differentiating between work and non-work activities. Balance can be a work week of 30, 40, 50 or 60 hours. One person may feel in balance if they leave work at 6:00 p.m., while another may see balance as leaving at 3:00 p.m. or 7:00 p.m. Is having balance in your life having a lunch hour every day, or exercising regularly, or doing something special once a week? If you have a family and work outside of the home, balance is sometimes defined as having time for yourself.
The most important question to ask yourself is this: what is it that has meaning for you that is driving the need for balance? To 'be in balance' is a vague intention. However if your intention is to be a loving partner, to be an effective manager, or to be a creator of beauty, for example, and you have set goals to match that intention, then balance becomes spending time on accomplishing those goals and priorities. Balance may be about ensuring that you find meaning in many aspects of your life, or it may be about spending time on just those aspects of life that carry meaning for you, or it may simply be about dividing up time. The definition is yours.
Support
What does it mean to get support, or to be supported? When my mom was ill, I had to make an unexpected trip to New York and was not sure if I was going to be able to make a work commitment facilitating an all day coaching class in Los Angeles. Two of my close colleagues who do very similar work offered to be 'back up' and wait until the day before for me to tell them if I was going to make it. That meant they both needed to clear the day, and be willing to hold it open, so that I could decide based on my mom’s condition whether I could leave. It also meant that the client, whom I had worked with for many years, was willing to trust that either of the back ups would work if I could not make it. Knowing that I had such strong support, I could make a clear decision about leaving or staying with my mom.
Many of us think of support as people who care about us, and who are willing to listen with empathy and without judgment. This is very powerful in helping us to move forward during difficult times. I am so grateful to have received much of this type of support.
It is interesting to me that when I ask people what support looks like, they usually need to think about it. Most of us have difficulty receiving support. Sometimes support is a buddy to check in with on a difficult task on a regular basis; at other times, support is having a group of people who are a sounding board for a new venture. Sometimes support is providing help which requires doing a task, like helping someone move, going to visit someone in the hospital, or helping someone by picking up their kids from school. We usually have different people who are able to support us for different things, rather than relying on one or two people for all of our support.
Aligning who we are with what we do takes support. It is important to be specific about what you need, based on what has meaning for you in a given situation. It's possible that you haven't been getting the support that you need because you have not been direct enough about it. Many of us think that other people ought to know what we need, but that may not be a realistic expectation since we all need different things.
Clarity really matters. When you say you want to be physically fit, do you mean that you want to run a marathon; work out 10 minutes daily; take a 2-mile hike; lift weights; or be at a certain weight? When you say you are overwhelmed, do you mean that you're spending too many hours at work; have daily activities of living that are more than you can possibly do; that you're not on schedule with a desired timeline; that you don’t know what to do; or that many tasks are unfinished? When you say you want your employees to take more initiative, do you mean that they do work outside of their responsibilities; they should take more risks; or that they should think outside of the box?
I think you get the idea that defining and being clear about what you want and what you mean is the first and most important step in aligning who you are with what you do. If you are not clear about your intentions, your goals, and what you mean when you express what you want or need, it will be very difficult to get it.
TIPS
COPYRIGHT AND PUBLISHER INFORMATION
© Carole Rehbock. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher.
Many of my clients say they would be more aligned if they had balance in their life, or had more support. However, what I see is that for each person, the words 'balance' and 'support' can mean something entirely different. I like to ask my clients what it would look like if they were in balance, or if they had support, how exactly it would manifest. Let's take a look at balance, and support, and see how people may define the same words differently.
Balance
I worked recently with two clients who both said they wanted balance. One wanted more time to exercise and to be with her family. Her solution was to get up at 5:30 a.m. three times a week, so that she could exercise near her work. This enabled her to miss the traffic on her commute and to still be at work on time. She also decided that Sundays would be reserved for spending time with her partner. For me, doing anything at 5:30 a.m. would eliminate any idea of balance—but her definition worked just fine for her.
The other client described balance as leaving work by 6:00 p.m. at least 3 days a week, and being able to go to a movie with a friend once a week. Again, perhaps not everyone's idea of balance, yet in both of these cases the definitions worked.
Balance can be defined in different time increments ranging from yearly, to weekly, to daily or even hourly. Some of my clients want to work very hard for several months at a time, and then they want to take off a few months. For them, it is harder to balance their time of work and play in shorter increments, as they are either 'on' or 'off'. Other clients have a definition of balance that means in a given week they want to have time for family, work, friends, recreation, fitness, community and self. Balance can also be defined on a daily basis, meaning that within a day a person has time to do what they want to do in different areas of their life, perhaps without feeling that they are rushing from one thing to another.
Sometimes, balance is defined as simply differentiating between work and non-work activities. Balance can be a work week of 30, 40, 50 or 60 hours. One person may feel in balance if they leave work at 6:00 p.m., while another may see balance as leaving at 3:00 p.m. or 7:00 p.m. Is having balance in your life having a lunch hour every day, or exercising regularly, or doing something special once a week? If you have a family and work outside of the home, balance is sometimes defined as having time for yourself.
The most important question to ask yourself is this: what is it that has meaning for you that is driving the need for balance? To 'be in balance' is a vague intention. However if your intention is to be a loving partner, to be an effective manager, or to be a creator of beauty, for example, and you have set goals to match that intention, then balance becomes spending time on accomplishing those goals and priorities. Balance may be about ensuring that you find meaning in many aspects of your life, or it may be about spending time on just those aspects of life that carry meaning for you, or it may simply be about dividing up time. The definition is yours.
Support
What does it mean to get support, or to be supported? When my mom was ill, I had to make an unexpected trip to New York and was not sure if I was going to be able to make a work commitment facilitating an all day coaching class in Los Angeles. Two of my close colleagues who do very similar work offered to be 'back up' and wait until the day before for me to tell them if I was going to make it. That meant they both needed to clear the day, and be willing to hold it open, so that I could decide based on my mom’s condition whether I could leave. It also meant that the client, whom I had worked with for many years, was willing to trust that either of the back ups would work if I could not make it. Knowing that I had such strong support, I could make a clear decision about leaving or staying with my mom.
Many of us think of support as people who care about us, and who are willing to listen with empathy and without judgment. This is very powerful in helping us to move forward during difficult times. I am so grateful to have received much of this type of support.
It is interesting to me that when I ask people what support looks like, they usually need to think about it. Most of us have difficulty receiving support. Sometimes support is a buddy to check in with on a difficult task on a regular basis; at other times, support is having a group of people who are a sounding board for a new venture. Sometimes support is providing help which requires doing a task, like helping someone move, going to visit someone in the hospital, or helping someone by picking up their kids from school. We usually have different people who are able to support us for different things, rather than relying on one or two people for all of our support.
Aligning who we are with what we do takes support. It is important to be specific about what you need, based on what has meaning for you in a given situation. It's possible that you haven't been getting the support that you need because you have not been direct enough about it. Many of us think that other people ought to know what we need, but that may not be a realistic expectation since we all need different things.
Clarity really matters. When you say you want to be physically fit, do you mean that you want to run a marathon; work out 10 minutes daily; take a 2-mile hike; lift weights; or be at a certain weight? When you say you are overwhelmed, do you mean that you're spending too many hours at work; have daily activities of living that are more than you can possibly do; that you're not on schedule with a desired timeline; that you don’t know what to do; or that many tasks are unfinished? When you say you want your employees to take more initiative, do you mean that they do work outside of their responsibilities; they should take more risks; or that they should think outside of the box?
I think you get the idea that defining and being clear about what you want and what you mean is the first and most important step in aligning who you are with what you do. If you are not clear about your intentions, your goals, and what you mean when you express what you want or need, it will be very difficult to get it.
TIPS
- Spend time visualizing and writing out in detail what it would look like if you had your ideal (job, life, relationships, etc.).
- Be clear on your intentions and goals and values. There are many books and activities to help you with this, or you can hire a coach!
- Notice when you are using vague terms to ask for what you want and translate your language to be more specific. Check in and ask what the other person heard.
- Develop a list of people who can support you, and write out specifically what you would like from each of them. Practice asking for support by starting with something small.
- Clarify the tasks where you need support and what support would look like for that task
- Before you start taking steps toward an action or goal be clear if it fits with your priorities and what has meaning for you.
- Use a mind map technique to sort out all your thoughts to gain clarity.
COPYRIGHT AND PUBLISHER INFORMATION
© Carole Rehbock. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher.
