Carole Rehbock: coach specializing in life planning, team building, life balance, transition management, personal and professional development

Issue #15:
Relationships and Technology

Lately, in my discussions with all different kinds of clients—whether they are seeking a new career or working in large organizations, small businesses, or entrepreneurial endeavors—I've been more and more aware of how technology both helps and hinders personal and professional relationships. Although we tend to take it for granted, I think it's important to be intentional about how we use technology in managing our relationships.

In this e-series I will explore relationships and technology in the context of how you can align who you are with what you do as you interact with others in our fast-paced, technology-filled world.

In the past 25 years that I have been working with people, I have been struck by the fact that although much has changed in our environment—personal computing, email, globalization, and mobile technology, to name just a few examples—what hasn't changed is that people continue to need to interact and connect with each other to establish and maintain personal and professional relationships.

On the work front, managers and team members still dislike giving critical feedback. Interpersonal politics still get in the way of productivity. Managers sometimes have been promoted due to their technical skills rather than their leadership potential, so they are ineffective in leading teams, delegating work and finding time to develop people.

In fact, the most frequent question I get asked is something along the lines of, “How do I get people to provide me with the work and information I need to do my job?" Rather than getting better, the 'getting things done through others' part seems to be getting worse. I find it helpful to ask myself: what is it we are not discussing with people? What conversations are we not having? Are we using technology instead of building relationships? Without an effective working relationship, it is difficult (if not impossible!) to manage individuals and teams.

The issues apply on the personal front as well. People complain how unresponsive others are in returning phone calls or answering email. They express how they dislike any kind of conflict, and either seek to avoid issues altogether or concede to what others may want in the interest of keeping the peace.

We seem to have lots of new ways to communicate, but are we using all of these tools to align who we are with what we do?

Of course, there are benefits to technology that help people stay connected: people can stay in touch where ever they are; they can share their lives in online photo galleries and blogs; they can share information and learn about what others are doing. The question is: are we using technology as a substitute for building relationships and having meaningful conversations?

In one of our sessions a client was discussing how to handle a particular work situation. She was getting no response via voicemail or email from a co-worker who was key to her success in accomplishing what needed to be done. She worked in another building several miles away.

We looked at what she had been communicating and how her messages might have been interpreted. We examined whether she was aligning herself with this person in a meaningful way, and whether there was there a need to have a personal conversation. We discussed her overall objectives with the relationship.

My client realized her messages had been demanding, rather than requesting or communicating in a partnership-oriented way. She also saw that although the priority of the project was high, she had not initially spent any time getting to know her co-worker or strategizing how they wanted to work together. We discussed her options for meeting with her co-worker, and if she needed to leave a voicemail how it might differ from her previous messages.

Technology is supposed to be a time saver. Yet I constantly hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed with the rising tide of workload and “life-load” presenting multiple demands on their time. We have relationships all over the globe, and technology facilitates the process of establishing and maintaining new relationships. However, it takes skill to be able to maintain and enhance relationships on email, and for some people, those skills don't come naturally. Problems can result: one can become spread too thin with online relationships at the expense of more personal, quality relationships.

Don’t get me wrong—technology is a good thing. Without it, I would not be able to stay in touch with all of you on a regular basis. The issue is whether or not we are using technology to align who we are with what we do. Are we leveraging the potential of technology to enhance our relationships, or are we allowing it to eclipse the human aspect of the relationship in such a way that it's becoming detrimental?

I suggest that my clients ask themselves these questions: Who are the people I have not had a personal connection with in a while? How can I differentiate when to use technology and when to contact someone directly? Have I been investing in the relationship, or have I been exclusively task-focused? (When we are busy, rushed, and overloaded it is easy to get very task-driven and not take as much time on the relationship.) When do I use technology and when do I need to have a conversation?

No matter how advanced our technology becomes it will not eliminate the need to have conversations. (Notice the recent popularity of the books cited below). Conversations are the way we establish and build support, intimacy, trust and cohesiveness.

“People problems” happen and dealing with people takes skill. The good news is that there's help out there in the form of personal coaching, mentorship, and other resources like books and professional training. Think about what you need to do in order to learn to be more effective in your relationship-building interactions with others. Most importantly, be aware of how you are using technology in either relationship-building or distance-creating ways. Above all, don't forget that technology is a weak substitute for a personal one-on-one conversation.