Issue #10:
Taking Time Out for You
It seems people more and more are using the phrase, "I need to take care of myself," or they're asking, "Are you taking care of yourself?" I know the idea of taking care of oneself has been around for a long time. However, it seems more prevalent these days with all the pressures of life. My clients, my friends, and I are all dealing with illness, elderly parents, and managing workloads—even while we love what we do—and I started thinking about, with everything that is going on in our lives, what does it actually mean to take care of ourselves? What are we saying is really needed for us to take care of ourselves, and how does that align who we are with what we do?
Taking care of ourselves encompasses a range of activities and ideas that include our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I envision a continuum 'take-care-o-meter', if you will, that goes from zero to ten: zero meaning I do nothing for me and put everyone and everything else first, and ten meaning I do everything for me and do only for others when I can. Those seem like extreme positions; however, if I am taking care of myself, and aligning who I am with what I do, then I do need to acknowledge that I am a priority.
For many of us, deep in our culture or upbringing, making ourselves a priority was seen as selfishness. We were taught that we are supposed to contribute to others, or think of others first. On the other hand, we fully realize that if we don’t make ourselves a priority, we won't be in a position to really help anyone else. All of you who fly hear the safety instructions that we are to put our own oxygen mask on before we help others with their own. So where on the 'take-care-o-meter' should we be, and how do we determine what it means to take care of ourselves?
In psychology, we are told to 'set boundaries' with people as a way to take care of ourselves. That expression can mean that perhaps we need to say "no" to some people or activities, or to taking on more responsibilities. It may express what we are willing and not willing to do in certain situations; or it may mean defining what behavior we will tolerate in others. We learn that sometimes we need to assert our wants even if they may disappoint others. Our 'negative mind chatter' sometimes tells us that taking care of us is letting someone else down.
In the coaching model I work with, 'setting boundaries' is a metaphor to look at, and then observe, the negative mind chatter, and then to discern what is true in the situation and take authentic action (credit to Dr. Maria Nemeth, Academy of Coaching Excellence). There is no actual boundary line that is drawn: the line is of course in our mind.
For example, I had a client that said he needed to set boundaries with his boss regarding taking work home almost every night. As we looked at the situation, he saw all his negative mind chatter about not pleasing his boss, such as that something was wrong with his skills that he was unable to get it all of his work done, that he felt overwhelmed, and so on. As he rose above the chatter to look into what was true in his situation, he became more aware of the fact that he was a good time manager and delegator, he met his deadlines, and was an excellent performer, as demonstrated by feedback and his annual reviews. This client realized that he did not need to set boundaries with his boss. He saw instead that what he did need to do was complete the work he could do in a day, not take work home, and focus on communicating more effectively with his boss if there was anything that was a priority where he could not meet the deadline.
This example illustrates that in many cases, it is our frame of how we see a situation that allows us to 'take care of ourselves.' Sometimes we build up in our mind, through negative mind chatter, what we think others expect from us, and we do what we think others want without asking them or reality testing our assumptions
Whether we call it setting boundaries, or something else, the real issue is: how does this take care of us? Do we want to free up time to do things for ourselves, or are we freeing up time to do more for others? Are we saying "no" to some things in order to say "yes" to things we care about, or not?
Sometimes I think taking care of myself is overrated. If we are taking care of ourselves physically, does that mean more exercise and getting up super early to get to the gym? Or does it mean eating a more healthy diet, which entails more food preparation time? If we are taking care of ourselves emotionally, that may mean dealing with things we might not want to deal with, like grief or anger. Taking care of ourselves spiritually might mean doing meditation, or journaling. Before you know it, taking care of 'me' becomes a lot of work!
Sometimes when we become committed to taking time out for ourselves, or doing things that align who we are with what we do, we really mean that we want someone else to take care of us. We might really be saying that we don’t want to do anything that feels like 'work'—in other words, that we want to kick back and have someone else do everything for a while. This involves all the daily tasks that we might not like to do, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and so forth. Is 'taking care of us' giving ourselves treats like massages, days off in the middle of the week, splurges on items we really don’t need, going out to a favorite restaurant, or taking a nap?
I have often wondered if taking care of myself has more to do with simplifying life. It may be that 'taking care of ourselves is the incorrect frame: what might be better is if we thought about how we are living our lives, so that taking care of ourselves wouldn’t even be an issue. For example, if a person were living more simply, he may not be as worried about income, therefore he may not be working as much, and therefore he would have time for himself, so that of course he would be taking care of himself.
If you were at the max on the 'take-care-o-meter' what would that look like for you? Would it really be that extreme? Imagine taking the time to be at your own pace, and including in your day those things that are important to you and promote your wellbeing.
Taking care of you is not a one-time event. It is another one of those things we need to stay aware of and continually practice. Taking care of ourselves means different things at different times, and may also mean some significant changes over time, that involve finding ways for life to be easier and simpler.
Tips
- Spend time defining what it means to take care of you: it will probably be different in different situations
- Discern if your negative mind chatter is the cause of you not taking care of you
- Think of taking care of you as a daily practice
- Find support to take care of you
- Learn to assert your needs
- Think of yourself as a priority and treat yourself that way
- Look at ways to simplify your life so there is time for you
Resources
Your Money or Your Life, by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. Penguin Books (1999).
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Penguin/Putnam (2000).
Choosing Simplicity, by Linda Breen Pierce. Gallagher Press (2000).
COPYRIGHT AND PUBLISHER INFORMATION
ALIGNING WHO YOU ARE WITH WHAT YOU DO is ©2004 Carole Rehbock. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher.
Carole Rehbock is a career and life coach, and consultant, who specializes in helping people align who they are with what they do in life. Learn more at http://www.rehbocksolutions.com or give her a call at 510-843-6417.
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