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 Technology and Relationships
Learn to Manage Technology so it doesn’t Manage You
By Carole Rehbock
Lately, in my discussions with all different kinds of clients — whether they are seeking a new career or working in large organizations, small businesses, or entrepreneurial endeavors — I've been more and more aware of how technology both helps and hinders personal and professional relationships. Although we tend to take it for granted, I think it's important to be intentional about how we use technology in managing our relationships.
On the up side technology has allowed us to communicate with family, friends, colleagues, and our management and business partners all over the world instantaneously. We see births of babies, new pets, vacations and the latest news almost as if we were there as it was happening. I am able to communicate with my network and clients and receive information about trends and an abundance of new ideas. I am linked in, connected and never really far away from anyone I want to contact. In December I was in South America and used my cell phone in the city of Ushuaia Argentina, called Fin del Mundo (the end of the world) to call my family. It was hard to believe that I was at the southern most tip of the world and I could talk to them as though they were next door. If I need information I can research any subject and get answers and resources. I can send a business request to someone in Europe tonight and by the time I wake up I will have an answer. With all this wonderful communication you might ask, what is the problem?
I am seeing that there is a downside to technology and a price we pay in the quality of our communications and our relationships as we become more and more dependent on it. I hear complaints from my clients such as: “I am expected to work 24/7, people call me on my cell phone even when I am on vacation, I have so many e-mails waiting for me each day that I cannot answer them all and just skimming them to see the priority takes me a couple of hours, I am on a conference call and I am receiving urgent text messages which I try to answer as I am listening to project updates.” I see my client’s sending e-mails to people who work on the same floor or in the same building, their cell phones and hand held devices are always on and I wonder how much are they really able to accomplish with so many things pulling for their attention. What is the quality that is being lost with all the quantity of communication?
In the past 25 years, as a manager, consultant and a coach, I have had the opportunity to interact with many people in a variety of organizations conducting leadership training, facilitating project meetings and off-sites, coaching managers and leaders to maximize the potential of others and create high performance teams. I have worked with thousands of people who want/need to improve their leadership and interpersonal skills, experience meaningful work and achieve their goals. For some time now I have been struck by the fact that although much has changed in our environment — personal computing, e-mail, globalization, and mobile technology, to name just a few examples — what hasn't changed is that people continue to need to interact and connect with each other to establish and maintain personal and professional relationships.
Even though we have technology we need other people to help us reach our goals. We need their expertise, their vision, direction and input which is not so easily communicated via technology. We work on project teams where many different groups need to come together (even if not in person) to produce a product that meets our customer’s needs, the criteria of management, timeframes and budget. We do not deliver our results in a vacuum. We need cooperation from those on our team and even more so with our colleagues across divisions that may be around the world. Without establishing a relationship it makes it more difficult for us to influence others and make our project their priority as well.
Managers and team members dislike giving critical feedback. Interpersonal politics still get in the way of productivity. Managers sometimes have been promoted due to their technical skills rather than their leadership potential, so they are ineffective in leading teams, delegating work and finding time to develop people. In fact, the most frequent question I get asked is something along the lines of, “How do I get people to provide me with the work and information I need to do my job especially when I am not their manager or we have different priorities or we have never met?"
Rather than getting better, the 'getting things done through others' part seems to be getting worse. This got me thinking, what is it that is not working given all the ways we can now communicate. One of the answers I see is that technology lends itself to short bits and snips of information…it also allows us to not have some of the “hard conversations” which might seem confrontational or we perceive will take up lots of time. It seems as though we are forgetting and/or choosing to avoid certain conversations.
Before I proceed, let me define what I mean by having a conversation vs. giving information, assigning tasks, following-up on assignments, etc… A conversation is an exchange with another person that allows you to both express what you are thinking, feeling or seeing about a particular situation or idea. Both parties are listening and questioning in a collaborative way to really understand one another and what is important to them. In a conversation we are taking the time to find out what might be behind an objection or a missed deadline or unmet goal or expectation. Sometimes we think when we are problem solving we are having a conversation when really all that is happening is each person is stating their idea and not really being open to doing something different. A true conversation or dialogue requires each person to be open to seeing the situation in a new way and learning from the other person.
I find it helpful to ask myself the following: What is it we are not discussing with people? What conversations are we not having? Are we using technology instead of building relationships? Without an effective working relationship, it is difficult to manage individuals and teams and work across divisions and with partners.
So how do we know when technology is hindering our communication and relationships?
The first thing is to see if you are having conversations at all. Whether you are face to face or over the phone are you spending some time to get to know the person you are working with. Do you know what is important to them? Is there an exchange of ideas and an atmosphere of partnership? Is all your communication via e-mail and text messages. You can waste so much time going back and forth in e-mail when picking up the phone to talk would be a more effective use of your time if your intent is to have a conversation, reach an understanding, and develop the relationship. You can certainly create a huge quantity of communication through technology but where is the quality?
How many times have you picked up the phone either frustrated or angry because after several e-mail exchanges you still were confused or did not have the information or agreement from the other person? How many times have others been included who should not have been included in the exchange? How many times have you wished you did not send that message right after it went out? How many times have you misunderstood and been misunderstood in e-mail? After so many back and forth e-mails you are no longer even thinking about the relationship. Instead, you are angry, frustrated, and just want your answer or your request taken care of as fast as possible.
An example of this was with one of my clients who was at a meeting with his employee who was giving a project update to management. The employee said some things at the meeting that disturbed my client because he thought they were inaccurate and did not shed a good light on how the project was going. After the meeting my client sent an e-mail to the managers at the meeting and cc’d his employee correcting some of the information. His employee sent back an angry and long e-mail disputing all the facts my client had added. My client sent another long e-mail back and the employee answered with more reasons. At this point my client sent this entire back and forth e-mail to me and asked for my advice and wanted me to answer by e-mail! Of course I picked up the phone and called him and here were the questions I asked my client? What agreements and facts did he and the employee have before going to the meeting? What got in the way of him talking to the employee prior to sending out the e-mail? When he saw that the employee’s first response was defensive, what prevented him from having a conversation with the employee? How did this e-mail exchange impact his relationship with this employee and the project outcome?
This may seem like an extreme example but in my experience it happens all the time. My client was too busy to think through the situation and made lots of assumptions. He tends to write e-mails at 10:00pm at night which does not give him or his employees time to have a conversation for an 8:00am meeting. Through our coaching he realized that the lack of personal interaction with this employee was impacting the results he wanted to produce. He examined his behavior as to how he was using technology to hinder or enhance the relationship with his employee. It took my client several meetings with this employee for my client to understand his employee’s point of view about the project, how the employee felt he was being micromanaged and what they both needed to do for their relationship and their project to get back on track. I started to work with my client on his e-mail communications and we established criteria for sending them. E-mails were to be used to capture ideas, send out agendas and follow-up items, keep people informed about project status, asking brief questions for specific information, set up meeting times etc. My client’s e-mails have improved and his relationships have improved as well.
Another common theme I notice is people hiding behind technology. Given the scenario above it was interesting that once my client saw that his employee was defensive and frustrated he did not try to call him or meet him face to face to have a conversation – and they work in the same building! Most of us do not like or are not skilled at dealing with someone who is angry or frustrated. To many, it seems easier to use e-mail or leave a voice message when you know someone is not there in order to not deal with their emotions.
There are also other reasons besides conflict that may be causing us to avoid conversations (i.e. lack of understanding the content, don’t want to hear the answer, too much input already). No matter what the reason for avoiding, this is not a good use of technology and only serves to hinder our relationships. One important thing to remember – the quality of the relationship may matter more to some individuals and less to others. Workplaces are filled with a broad diversity of individuals. We could stereotype and say that in general, the younger generation is more technology savvy and the older generation may want more face to face or phone communication. No matter what generation you are in we need to use the right technology for the right purpose. People who hide behind technology are missing connections and opportunities to interact and influence others.
In one of my coaching sessions a client was discussing how to handle a particular work situation. She was getting no response via voicemail or e-mail from a co-worker who was key to her success in accomplishing what needed to be done. She worked in another building several miles away. We looked at what the e-mails she had sent and how her messages might have been interpreted. We examined whether she was aligning herself with this person in a meaningful way, and whether there was a need to have a personal conversation. We discussed her overall objectives with the relationship.
In coaching my client she realized her messages had been demanding, rather than requesting or communicating in a partnership-oriented way. She also saw that although the priority of the project was high, she had not initially spent any time getting to know her co-worker or strategizing how they wanted to work together. We discussed her options for meeting with her co-worker, and if she needed to leave a voicemail how it might differ from her previous messages. My client decided to leave a voicemail suggesting that they go out for lunch or coffee or set up a meeting via phone in order to discuss the project and each others roles and expectations. She conveyed that she knew her co-worker was busy on other projects and she would be glad to meet with her at a time that was convenient for her co-worker. She followed it up with an e-mail. The tone of the e-mail was inviting and demonstrated that she was looking forward to meeting her and working with her. The following day my client received an e-mail back with several time suggestions to get together. Once they met and started to work together, the project went smoothly and they continue to be a resource for each other.
So what is all this about technology being a time saver? Technology makes an unwritten promise to allow us to do more in less time. It allows us to freely share information anywhere…any time. But what are some of the downsides to relying so heavily on technology?
In my work I constantly hear from clients that they feel overwhelmed with the rising tide of workload and “life-load” presenting multiple demands on their time. We have relationships all over the globe, and technology facilitates the process of establishing and maintaining new relationships. However, it takes skill to be able to maintain and enhance relationships on e-mail, and for some people, those skills don't come naturally. Many people send e-mails when conversations are in order. To make things worse, the e-mails are often written very poorly. They lack clarity, purpose, or definition for what is being requested. People then have to respond via e-mail to gain more clarity, then next thing you know you have a chain of e-mails when one quality face-to-face or phone conversation would suffice. We use technology, but we often don’t use it very effectively or efficiently.
Another thing to consider is that technology seems to change much faster than humans do. We are becoming overwhelmed with e-mail, text messages, tasks, and calendar reminders. The promise of doing more in less time usually results in doing more “all” of the time. My clients continually talk to me about life/work balance and how they are on call all of the time. We work on strategies to help them set boundaries, think through how to use technology to enhance their work and identify where it has become a hindrance. We look at their beliefs about what will happen if they don’t respond immediately, and define what is urgent and what is not. We examine if multitasking is really working for them and how they can minimize distractions. There are no easy answers but there are things you can do to ensure that you are managing technology and not letting technology manage you.
Don’t get me wrong — technology is a wonderful thing. Without it, I would not be able to stay in touch with the people I care about on a regular basis. The question we keeping getting back to is are we leveraging the potential of technology to enhance our relationships, or are we allowing it to eclipse the human aspect of the relationship in such a way that it's becoming detrimental?
I feel that it’s important to keep in mind that technology is not a substitute or replacement for conversation, for connection or influence. I have a client right now who is in a job search after being with a company for 27 years. He has the most up to date technology and is always the first one to have the latest and greatest gadget. However, how is he conducting his job search? He is networking, he is talking to everyone he knows and then talking to everyone they suggest, he is going to job search and success team meetings and meeting people for coffee and making lots of phone appointments. He is continually connecting with others. Does he use technology? Of course, but only as an enhancement to send out resumes, to send follow-up notes, to research companies that he is contacting so he can talk to them knowledgeably etc… Technology has made his job search easier, but he found his new job through hard work and contacts.
No matter how advanced our technology becomes it will not eliminate the need to have conversations (notice the recent popularity of the books cited below). Conversations are the way we establish and build support, intimacy, trust and cohesiveness. “People problems” happen and dealing with people takes skill. The good news is that there's help out there in the form of coaching, mentorship, and other resources like books and professional training. Think about what you need to do in order to learn to be more effective in your relationship-building interactions with others. Most importantly, be aware of how you are using technology in either relationship-building or distance-creating ways. Above all, don't forget that technology is a weak substitute for a personal one-on-one conversation.
Below I offer some questions and resources to consider.
QUESTIONS
- Who are the people I have not had a personal connection with in a while?
- Who on my project should I be establishing a better relationship with?
- How can I differentiate when to use technology and when to contact someone directly?
- Who are the influencers and decision-makers I should be connecting with personally?
- Have I been investing in the relationship, or have I been exclusively task-focused? (When we are busy, rushed, and overloaded it is easy to get very task-driven and not take as much time on the relationship.)
- When do I use technology and when do I need to have a conversation?
BOOKS
1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Stephen R. Covey (McGraw-Hill; 2002.)
2. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher (Penguin; 2000.)
3. Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time
by Susan Scott (Berkley Publishing; 2004.)
Copyright © Carole Rehbock.
One of the things I love about my work as a consultant and coach is that both my clients and I learn from each other, and our thinking is expanded to open new possibilities and ways of doing things. Over time, I have noticed that there are many common themes and lessons that arise in my work, as I talk with people who are interested in developing and enhancing their work and their life.
I've learned is that when people line up their values, purpose, and what has meaning for them, to what they do in the world, they find fulfillment. I've always thought that it would be great to share these learning’s with others, and get their ideas and views as well. That's why I started to write articles to share with clients. Learn more by visiting my email newsletter article series.
Carole Rehbock
Consulting & Coaching Solutions
carole@rehbocksolutions.com
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